chivalry, vanity, and narcissism

July 2, 2007 at 1:28 am Leave a comment

I am fucking annoyed. More than that, actually: I am bummed. I hate being bummed. So, to cheer myself up, I am going to remind me of how cool I am, and why. Watch yourself, now, I’m about to do another litht. (List to those of you assholes that don’t talk with a lisp like me).

Reasons why I should so not be bummed, and instead worship myself to the point of having a duplicate mini me version, in statue format:

  1. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Not only that, but I did it in style, three months before I was meant to, and came out of it unscathed. Actually, the last bit is a fabrication, I am a tiny bit scathed, but, you know… thats only because she died seven months later. But I still went through with a horrible fucking c-section, I have a scar to prove it. And if I had the choice to do it all over again, the out come ending the same way, I would! Because I would choose the 7 months joy of motherhood over a lifetime without it. So, I am awesome for that.
  2. I am one sexy bitch if I try hard enough. Slap a little make up on, do a bit of my hair, put on a low slinky top and I get the dudes in the club. My mates always come out with me if they wanna pick up guys. I’m the guy picker-upper.
  3. My boobs are fucking phenominal in size. yes, they do have their negative, saggy, wrinkly and maybe even droopy, side to them, but they turn heads. My boobs get me places. I am going somewhere with my boobs tonight I think, anyone care to join me?
  4. My foot, although broken four weeks ago, is back to its normal dainty self. My foot are cool and small and unfreakyfied.
  5. I have a freckle for every starving child in Siberia and it was God’s way of making me an in-di-vid-ual. At least, thats what my skanky gran used to tell me.
  6. I had a skanky gran. She was a legend. Married five times and put Liz Taylor to shame. How many of you guys can say that about your sweet nana, huh???
  7. I live a good life. I am not hungry, nor cold, nor embarrassed about where I live. And everything I own, I have worked hard for. With my own fucking blood, sweat and tears.
  8. I own my own car. Its not in my mommy or daddy’s name, its in mine. I pay for it, the debit order is off my account. As is my house, and my phone bill… I am an independant gal.
  9. I don’t need a man. Yes, sometimes I would really like one. But thats usually only when I am bored and horny as fuck. Excuse the pun. Come to think of it, even that part can be remedied… dildo’s have their uses…
  10. I am a good, loyal, and sometimes funny, friend. I would be my friend if I wasn’t me.
  11. I have the ability and know how of being someone platonic in someone else’s life. Even if I don’t always want to, I can stick to someone else’s rules.
  12. One day, if I settle for someone and get proposed to, the dude will have to be a fucking adonis for me to stay long enough for me to actually have the question popped in the first place. As one of the bloggers I read once said, that person would have to shit money, in being so perfect for me to have stuck around. Imagine that, a money-shitting boyfriend, who eventually proposes marriage – a long term commitment promise of changing diapers, cleaning toilet bowls and squeezing acne off your partners back. Actually, aside from the horrid examples prewith, marriage could probably work for me. Only if he was a money shitter though.
  13. I dropped out of school, when I was way too young. The guilt and shame got to me, so as an adult I went back and finished through correspondence. Not only that, but I actually decided on my own I needed a tertiary education, and am now on my way to being a head shrinker. That is fucking cool, I think.
  14. Moments of chivalry, vanity, and narcissism like now, hardly ever get the better of me, but today is an exception, so bare with me, please.
  15. When I am bummed, I write something like this and am able to feel better about myself.

There. Phew. I do feel lighter. Maybe even a tad skippy. Please die quietly if you read this and don’t agree with me. Today is not the day for an argument, okay.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Panick-stricken Picket Fence Syndrome Letter to self.

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