Back off, Barbie.

August 7, 2007 at 10:11 am Leave a comment

This in itself was quite strange:
I have become used to the girl that everyone points to in town and whispers are always overheard about me losing a baby at the age of 19 and “no, no she was quite single at the time, the father ran off as far as I understand”. I was surprised as I realised how refreshing to me it was, that someone I have known for a while hadn’t known about Kiera. Small town syndrome has its negatives, particularily the part about everyone knowing everything about everyone else.

The thing that struck me the most about this was how uncomfortable I was when reassuring the lady how I am doing these days. Nothing new here really, I always end up consoling others on the death of my daughter. I often find myself talking over someone’s shocked reactions about how fine I am now, and that things happen for a reason, or saying that she is now in a better place.

Strangest thing is, as often as I hear myself saying it, I don’t believe one word of it.
I dont believe death happens for a reason. What possible lesson was I meant to learn by losing Kiera after six months of an incredibly stressed out pregnancy, and then a seven month roller coaster ride of her being in hospital and home and back again, in and out of health? Of me being a clueless 19 year old, learning to be confident about my role in life for the first time, signing legal forms of health care, defending my honour of being a single teenage mom fighting for her daughters legal rights of care*, only to have Kiera ripped away just when she was starting to show some long awaited improvement in her lung disease and tissue damage – you tell me, what fucking reason could possibly be good enough?

She is now in a better place? To tell you the truth, I honestly wouldn’t know. I am not religious, so wouldn’t that then make me a hippocrite for believing in a heaven, specifically designed for my dead daughter? How can I go on about her being in a better place when I don’t know about it, or what it should be, or what I should be praying for the day I die? I don’t even pray, but now I must talk about heaven?

Why do you say that then? I hear you ask:

Because its comforting for other people to hear their beliefs on where the dead go. If I say that Kiera is now in a better place, it allows them to think I am ok and not insane with mourning and sadness, or in denial and in need of clinical treatment. If I say what they believe, there’s no need for them to try comfort me and convince me that she is better off. They automatically assume I believe that.

It’s a bunch of bullshit actually, but it works for me right now ok.

So back off, barbie. If I want to say what I want to say with regards to my dead daughter, who the fuck are you to question me?

* Because Kiera was three and a half months premature, I had to sign forms stating that I would not hold the hospital responsible should treatment fail through any fault of their own, as it was an unusual case in that she was so tiny and had such complicated problems.

Advertisements

Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Fissed as a part! The Crayola Dude Speaks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


Feeds

Just South Africa – Photo contest

Are you a photographer? Do you think you could stand a chance of winning? Why not try your luck, you've nothing to lose! I've been asked to be one of 5 judges in Just South Africa's photography contest. I hope to see your entries there!

Sadly, I've been told money, chocolates and free internet are not allowed to affect my judging unbiased opinion. You could try anyway though... Kidding. Relax.

Be part of the SheBee FB fan page

Brick of the moment:

Please applaud:

Mark from YellowLlama who is responsible for the design of my awesome new logo, which will soon be used in a much more flattering light, on a new work-in-progress page.

Huh? What page? There is no page, nevermind. You read nothing!

Thanks again Mark :)

Win a dodgy fruit basket! [Brick of the moment]

6000 | August 28, 2008 at 12:08 pm Peel A Keys is going to struggle to score with lines like that.

Recent wall talks

RSS Blog choice of the week – I am Janel

Shit Brick Posts


springleap

Trigger happy?

Are you a photographer? Do you think you could stand a chance of winning? Why not try your luck, you've nothing to lose! I've been asked to be one of 5 judges in Just South Africa's photography contest. I hope to see your entries there!

Sadly, I've been told money, chocolates and free internet are not allowed to affect my judging unbiased opinion. You could try anyway though... Kidding. Relax.


%d bloggers like this: