Dear Andrew,

November 25, 2007 at 7:52 am Leave a comment

This letter is going to be hard for me to write, but I know that it must be done in order for me to wrap my head around what you have done.

You and I met each other through words, written by me at first, and then by you. words were basically a summary of our relationship. My readers probably won’t understand most of what I am saying here today, but this is one of those entries that I am posting for myself.

I think if you knew I had planned to do this, you would scream your head off at me. There were so many rules, regulations and agreements in our relationship, weren’t there? We joked about entering into a negotiation just last Thursday. Between you and I, there was definitely a lot of bull-headedness and strong will. I think that’s the beauty of two people coming together though, isn’t it?

Andrew, your life ended way before any of us was ready. I think I can safely say on behalf of all those who loved you, that you were a strange and amazing man, and every time you spoke, people listened.

I have learnt so much about you from what you’d told me, and the letters you wrote, and the conversations we had. Over this weekend alone, though, B has confirmed for me that everything you portrayed to be, was true.

I’m so angry at you, Drew. I’m angry that you died. I’m angry that you broke the promise of loving me so much after all the shit you put us both through in the beginning, I’m angry that you didn’t listen to me when I joked about you dying before Saturday, I’m angry that you made such a stupid decision and got yourself killed, through no one’s fault but your own, I’m angry that you’ve left me to defend our relationship alone. With you next to me, people would have accepted it, and eventually accepted us, but leaving me behind makes it all meaningless and ridiculous. All I have of you now, is memories, hopes and dashed day dreams.

You see, I had put my life on hold, to help you with yours. And now I regret it. You didn’t come through for me like you said you would. I was happy waiting, with a promise of you being the reward, but you took that away from me, Andrew. And you took it away from your friends too, the lovely people I have met and come to know in this heart-wrenching time of your death.

I received an email from your mom yesterday. I cried when I read it. Everything she said was information I already knew about you, but I was hoping to meet her and get to know her under different circumstances.

I know you weren’t very much in touch with them, but one thing was very apparent in her words, love, and that was how absolutely devastated your family is having lost you. I feel so bad knowing your sister was already on her way coming to visit you when she had to hear it was too late and you were gone.

I feel so bad that your best friend keeps going back to your empty house just to sit amongst your perfectly placed belongings. I feel so bad that the Lady who worked in your house three days a week for ages, has to remember you shouting at her for cooking you chicken, and for laughing like a loon when she blew up your microwave. She was devastated when she heard the news. By the sounds of things, she adored you, despite your maddening ways and crazy routine at home.

I really like, B, Andrew. As much as you tried to keep the two women in your life apart, this is our revenge against you dying, getting to know each other. We now know that you were trying hard in your own way to keep us separate, but fond of each other. It might not last, but right now, it comforts me to speak to her, the woman who last knew you in the way that I was supposed to.

As much of a liar you claimed to be, I am so honored to know that I was probably one of the very few people in this world who was not hurt by your revered dishonesty. You made a commitment to me three weeks ago, to give me your best. I think that in your heart, you really meant it. And in the short while you were in my life, I want you to know that you made a huge impact. You showed me that not every male out there was out to hurt me, and just by asking your ridiculous questions, probing and prying information and secrets out, you allowed me to show you a side of me that I haven’t shown in a very long time. It is going to be hard for me to open up again and share the things I did with you, but at least I know now that I will be able to, and for that I think I will be forever thankful.

You’re an asshole for dying on me, Andrew, and I will never forgive you for getting me so excited about loving and being loved right before you ripped it away, but as angry as I am at you, I love you more and I will miss you.

At the risk of using yet another one of those cliché’s that you hated so much of mine, I want you to rest in peace. The world is a little emptier now without you, you crazy man, and I know you would be smiling right now if you knew how much attention was focused on you, because amongst the other qualities in your personality, arrogance and confidence were your two best.

I wish you were here, but you aren’t, and I have to accept that, and I’m going to do it now too, because you wouldn’t have wanted me to let my world come crashing down, you weren’t that selfish.

Good bye, my would-be boyfriend, and thank you for sharing a small part of who you were with me, I will treasure it and protect your memory for many days to come.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

On death. How I am doing right now.

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