Universe: 1, SheBee: 0

August 14, 2008 at 2:37 am 28 comments

So there I am on my way to see Bad Brad, a mate of mine who’s moved to Durban.  Finally – a buddy from my hometown nearby! He calls to ask me to pop in at the garage to pick up a pack of smokes. After nearly being rammed up the frigging ass by a taxi who tries to park his bonnet in my boot at the traffic lights, I turn left into the Garage and park right outside the doors of the 24hr One Stop.

Inside, I contemplate buying myself a box of smokes too, but my will to not, wins. The cashier (inaptly named ‘Intelligence’) hands over the smokes for Bad Brad and I hand over my plastic to pay for them. But out of the corner of my eye, I see my blue Chico Golf rolling backwards with its lights on.

Holy shitballs, I panic, whilst frozen in confusion and shock.

My body mock charges towards the door, then stops in doubt, then starts again, then stops at the fucking electric- door- that- won’t- open- quick- enough, damnit! Ten million years later, I manage to exit the One Stop at the speed of light to the sounds of Intelligence and crew in the shop behind me “Haaibo and Eish’ing” to their hearts content, convinced I’ve just done a runner.

Tearing up to the outside the car window, I scream at the man sitting in the driving spot:

DUDE! PRESS ON THE BREAKS! ITS ROLLING BACK, PRESS- ON- THE- FUCKING- BREA-hey, wait! Excuse me please, but why the fuck are you driving my car?

*please insert murderous thoughts here*

YOU GET OUT OF MY CAR YOU CRIMINAL! GET! OUT! PETROL DUDES, YOU GUYYYYS – HE’S STEALING MY CAR, MAN! CALL THE POLICE, DIPSHITS!

Rapidly the man rolls down the window, looking terrified, “Please! L-l-lady! Calm down, please, calm down! What is it that you want? I have no money on me! Do you have you, do you got a gun, laydee?

My thoughts: What? What?! What the hell would he ask if I had a gun f– oh, shit. Oh no...

Cringingly, I look up and around me a little bit. Oh please god, no.

Over the roof of this blue Chico Golf, I see another, bluer, Chico Golf.  Right in the next parking bay to this particular blue Chico Golf THAT I THINK IS BEING STOLEN, I see MY blue Chico Golf.  Right next to it.  In the next parking bay.  Untouched and unstarted.  Not being stolen in the slightest manner of any way.

I. Have. Not. The. Words.

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Entry filed under: car, Eish, fuck, garage, I miss my mind the most.

For The Bloggers Only Crouching Pretzel, hidden Ostrich

28 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Amy  |  August 14, 2008 at 6:45 am

    Oh, I have the words……

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

    OKay, technically not a word nor words, but it’ll do.

    P.S Go to my blog and pick up your award before it gets not-stolen too…..

    Reply
  • 2. shebee  |  August 14, 2008 at 8:11 am

    Hehehehee. Yeah okay, its funny.

    I saw your award yesterday my love, thank you 🙂 It actually inspired the launched competition, I’ll have you know 🙂

    Reply
  • 3. shawn  |  August 14, 2008 at 8:32 am

    That’s so funny. Crying with laughter.

    Reply
  • 4. jameelhaffejee  |  August 14, 2008 at 8:32 am

    Wow thats a burner 😉 , hope the rest of the week is better

    Reply
  • 5. SwissTwist  |  August 14, 2008 at 8:34 am

    OMG!!! I fell off my chair laughing… hahahahahhahahaha.. you poor thing!

    I hope you bought your would-be-hijack-victum a drink after, I’m sure he needed it!

    Reply
  • 6. shebee  |  August 14, 2008 at 8:47 am

    Dude, I was the “would be hijacker”. I mean, honestly, could you imagine?

    Shitting hell, I wanted to crawl up my own bumhole after that.

    Reply
  • 7. red  |  August 14, 2008 at 8:58 am

    Haha. You’re lucky that dude didn’t have a gun.

    Reply
  • 8. shebee  |  August 14, 2008 at 9:46 am

    Red, dude, I hadn’t even thought of that. Especially in good ole Debben, where the gangstas run rife!

    Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Coulda been lethal man!

    Reply
  • 9. cathjenkin  |  August 14, 2008 at 9:54 am

    dude.

    mailed your story around the office

    questions are now being asked “how is it possible that two such extraordinarily discohordinated people can live together and not completely fuck it up as yet?”

    hahas

    Reply
  • 10. Stef  |  August 14, 2008 at 9:56 am

    teehee

    most embaressing moment number 372…

    but hey it was a blue chico, what to do!?!

    Reply
  • 11. shebee  |  August 14, 2008 at 9:59 am

    Oi, vey.

    I *still* have not the words.

    Reply
  • 12. leez08  |  August 14, 2008 at 10:04 am

    Wow, you’re the first blog today thats made me fall off my swiveling chair laughing. If I still drank coffee it would be coming through my nose.

    p.s. Somehow I knew you drived a blue chico…

    Reply
  • 13. expensivemistakescheapthrills  |  August 14, 2008 at 10:06 am

    you win Genie-Ass of the Day award.

    No lies, handsdown winner.

    Probably of all time, too.

    Reply
  • 14. shebee  |  August 14, 2008 at 10:23 am

    Leez – you only knew because I’ve told you before, chop! Do you not pay attention in IM?

    Exmi – ag bite me, man! I’m still waiting on that email, yo.

    Reply
  • 15. rafiq  |  August 14, 2008 at 10:42 am

    Classic!!!! lol

    Reply
  • 16. Eish  |  August 14, 2008 at 11:16 am

    B.L.I.N.D…but funny for the rest of us 😛

    Reply
  • 17. Glugster  |  August 14, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    Hahahahaha. That was so you!

    BTW – I answered your blerrie questions.

    Reply
  • 18. justBcoz  |  August 14, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    This totally rocked my world today 😀

    Man, somebody needs to make a movie …..

    Reply
  • 19. LLB  |  August 14, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    Sheen, the thought darling, the thought!!! Only you. I am still killing myself laughing – you are hysterical….
    made my day!

    Reply
  • 20. shebee  |  August 14, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    Rafiki & Dylan – TYFYC’s.

    Gluggie – I just *knew* you’d see things my way.

    JBC – you entering my compo, chickie???

    And hey, just so everyone knows, I want royalties for any such movie, mkay?

    Reply
  • 21. shebee  |  August 14, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    Awww LouLouB! I miss you!

    Reply
  • 22. saaleha  |  August 14, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    you should get some sort of badge for this one:)

    Reply
  • 23. justBcoz  |  August 15, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    I’m entering your comp, yes … and I’ll buy myself the damn prize too mmk?

    Reply
  • 24. shebee  |  August 15, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    You can’t *buy* me! I am priceless!

    Reply
  • 25. Stew  |  August 16, 2008 at 3:52 am

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    *sweat*

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah cough gasp sputter

    lord.

    You kill me

    Reply
  • 26. Amy-Lee  |  August 17, 2008 at 3:35 pm

    NO FRIKKIN WAY
    Real Life?
    And you had the guts to make it public! I cant tell people stuff like that- it makes me want to die all over again!
    Incredible.
    U must be a special type of ass.

    Reply
  • 27. angel  |  August 20, 2008 at 8:11 am

    oh my fuckity fuck fuck… i am crying with laughter… had to read it to my colleagues shebeeliciousness.
    i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, only you darling, only you!!!

    Reply
  • 28. Ashleigh  |  August 21, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    You are offically my hero!!!

    Reply

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